THE POWER OF THE MUSTACHE IS NOT OVERSTATED

You know your defense is good when you're not only intimidating the other team, but also the referees. In Saturday's game against Minnesota, the Lions not only completely bottled up the Golden Gophers offense, but also forced one of the officials to the sidelines. The reason:

Mustache Envy.

After a long morning of grooming and weather-coating his lip fur with bees' wax, linesman M. Mahouski is expecting another typical day at the office. He's counting on an October afternoon full of whistle-blowing, flag-throwing and making young coeds swoon with his facial hair pillow.















Then, it happened. Through the misty rain and fogged breath, Mahouski saw it. A patch of glorious hair so unlike the whiskers and stubble he was used to seeing college players wear. A full-fledged chevron (a thick and wide mustache, usually worn long to cover the top border of the upper lip).















Could this really be happening? Mahouski, sporter of one of the best manicured mouth coiffures, was upstaged by a man half his age? This hadn't happened before since James Avalon cheated and filled in his wispy chin growth with permanent marker in the fifth grade. Mahouski was bested in a mustache competition. The decision of what move to make next wasn't his choice. There is a strict code to be adhered to in times like this, one developed centuries ago by men wiser than him. These men wore classic face blankets like the Wandering Jim, the Hardpan, the Flapwings and the Chilly Cheeks. Mashouski had no choice but to leave the game, shamed into exile by the dense mouth insulator of Josh Hull.















It was quite a day for the senior linebacker. A shutout win for his defense, a first quarter interception of Minnesota quarterback Adam Weber and a dominating victory over Mahouski in a moustache contest 100,000 people didn't even know they were watching.